It's Not Sophie's Choice, but...

... it still sucks.

When I was Joe-Henry's age, I contracted Scarlet Fever.  I was horribly sick for nearly three weeks.  Because my mom had passed away two years before, there was no one to stay home and take care of me.  My dad had just gotten a new job after the plant he worked for selling meat was closed so that the Army Corp of Engineers could change the shape of the Snake River,  forcing businesses and homes to move to higher ground.  Or close.  It was during a terrible economic crisis (remember the early 70's?!), and he needed to keep his job, so he couldn't stay home with a sick kid.  A neighbor brought me lunch everyday, but didn't stay long because she had two kids of her own, and didn't want to catch it.  I don't remember the worst of it, just the last week - the loneliness, the jigsaw puzzle I finally finished and really, really missing my mom.

But I did it.  I managed to get through it.  I was a tough kid.

This year, due to the horrible economy and District Wide Budget Cuts, they have decided that when a parapro like myself gets sick (or their child gets sick), unless there are two other parapro's out, we cannot call for a sub.

I get that the District needs to save money.  And I get that this is a move that is saving jobs.  I do.  It's still a horrible idea though.  The kids I work with have some pretty significant behaviors (hitting, kicking, etc.), and in a room that can, on a normal day, seem like there isn't enough staff to go around, having a person out is, to put it mildly, stressful.

Yesterday, JH had a procedure done on his big toe.  He'd had an infected ingrown nail since JUNE.  We have been trying everything to get it healed, including two round of antibiotics, and it didn't work.  So yesterday we had an appointment, and I thought it was just a first visit, that they'd decide what to do and we'd go back if anything needed to be done.  But that's not how it went down.  They gave him four horribly painful shots to numb the toe, then took out both sides of the nail.  He did amazing.  He cried when he got the shots, but tried soooo hard to be tough.  After the procedure he did great.

Until the numb wore off, and then last night, he cried for three hours.  I gave him tylenol at first, then ibuprofen, and he finally went to sleep around eleven.  This morning, he woke up sick to his stomach.
So I called in sick, but I'm going in later, now that we're getting the stomach upset under control.  But I'm feeling stressed and guilty and horrible and ANGRY for having to choose.

A voice in my head told me to calm down.  I'd been through this as a kid.  I didn't have a mom to get me through  it - he'll be fine.  It's just an afternoon.

Here's the thing though.  He DOES have a mom.  And he will remember that I made this choice.

EDIT 12/14/10, 1:00:

I went to school for about an hour and a half.  Then, there was a severe weather warning, that quickly turned into a TORNADO WARNING.  This was not anywhere on the list of things I would need to worry about if I left him home alone.  Needless to say, I came home right away.  The weather fizzled, and I felt silly for coming home, for about a minute.  Then I realized I did the right thing, forgave myself and ate a bite of chocolate.  All is right with the world.

A New Tradition

The other morning, we were rushing like crazy to get out the door to school & work. I was getting crabby, wondering why it's the same EVERY morning. Why it's the same EVERY holiday season? WHY do I feel so much STRESS???!!!! WHY?!!!

Then Joe-Henry started to sing this very silly version of Jingle Bells. I started to sing along. And suddenly the here and now came into focus. I was driving. He was in the backseat. The car was filled with noise and laughter.

And all was right with the world.

Thought I'd share our really silly version of Jingle Bells with you. If you're feeling a little grumpy, sing along. You'll be in the Holiday Spirit in no time!

In a State of Overwhelm

I knew this would happen. I expected it, but it still took me by surprise last night when I took to my bed with a migraine. It was brought on by the storm front coming in, but also by the stress of this new job. A job I love, but being a fairly emotional person, one that is taking quite a bit from me. I haven't collapsed in a sobbing heap or anything, but I almost wish I could, because these kids can break my heart. The last two days have been a trial for everyone - new staff, which is a great thing, as they are really good, but changes for anyone is difficult, and for kids with autism, well, it's just a lot more stressful.

Also, I am still riding a really steep learning curve, and want so badly to do the right thing always. I don't want to make mistakes, but since there hasn't been a lot of training, mistakes are going to happen. I'm grateful for them, because I know it's the best way to learn, but still. They make me feel really humble. I know humble is supposed to be a good thing, but I think humble is overrated.

Then to top it off, I come home and feel like I'm just not enough. Not enough mom to engage my son, not enough wife to have the house in somewhat decent shape. Just not enough of me to go around. I know, I know, welcome to the world of working parents. But honestly, it's not the time thing, where there isn't enough to get it all done, it's an energy thing. I am pretty emotionally drained when I walk in the door.

I know I am going to have to fit in some kind of exercise program somewhere, because I know that is the answer to a lot of my problems. It will help with the stress AND my energy level. But where will I fit it in? THAT is the question. Well, I'll just have to figure that out because if I don't, it's not going to be pretty.

Another thing about feeling this way, is I feel apologetic about EVERYTHING. I almost typed an apology for this post - "Sorry I'm such a downer, and I don't have anything to say..." Then I just start to sound pathetic.

On the bright side, one of my kids who hadn't spoken to me in days asked me if I wanted to have a playdate today.