I haven't written in a while and here's why: things are rough here. I feel uncertain and stressed and like crying if not most of the time at least at the drop of a hat. I feel like I'm being a terrible mom, a bad wife and the only place I feel competent is at my job and that's because it's so stressful and demanding I have to be present and in the moment or all hell breaks loose. It's when I come home that I feel like I don't know what to do. Not all the time. In fact most of the time, I'm okay, but then something will happen, or something gets said, and I'm undone. I feel like my bones are made of jello and my heart races and I'm weepy and irrational. Yes, it could be hormones, they certainly don't help. But it's more than that. The earth is shifting way down deep.
I had a horrible parenting moment last night, one I'm too sad to even talk about. It didn't involve anything physical, but I said something to Joe-Henry to make a point, not realizing how cruel it was. Charley was really angry with me, rightly so. And this morning I just feel like crying.
I feel small and sad and my confidence in myself is shot. I don't put this out there because I need a pep talk. It's just to tell you the way it is.