Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Failure

I haven't written in a while and here's why: things are rough here. I feel uncertain and stressed and like crying if not most of the time at least at the drop of a hat. I feel like I'm being a terrible mom, a bad wife and the only place I feel competent is at my job and that's because it's so stressful and demanding I have to be present and in the moment or all hell breaks loose. It's when I come home that I feel like I don't know what to do. Not all the time. In fact most of the time, I'm okay, but then something will happen, or something gets said, and I'm undone. I feel like my bones are made of jello and my heart races and I'm weepy and irrational. Yes, it could be hormones, they certainly don't help. But it's more than that. The earth is shifting way down deep.

I had a horrible parenting moment last night, one I'm too sad to even talk about. It didn't involve anything physical, but I said something to Joe-Henry to make a point, not realizing how cruel it was. Charley was really angry with me, rightly so. And this morning I just feel like crying.

I feel small and sad and my confidence in myself is shot. I don't put this out there because I need a pep talk. It's just to tell you the way it is.

11 comments:

kari said...

and I give you a {hug}. everybody does their best.

Lisa L said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa L said...

((((hugs)))) I wonder if I could run something by you (from a nurse's point of view)...you're feeling shaky and weak and your heart races and it seems like you're very,very depressed. (Feelings of low self-worth, and teary, and an abundance of guilt. All very classic signs of depression, girl.)Sometimes an over or underactive thyroid can cause all of the above...so can anemia. You might want to think about scheduling a doc apt and ask for some blood work. Hope I'm not coming across as too preachy, but your symptoms kind of glared at me like a deer in the headlights. Don't be too hard on yourself...we love our kids more than life itself, but sometimes they *can* be royal pains in the ass.

I, Rodius said...

Thinking good thoughts and hoping you're not being too hard on yourself. We all have those moments when our defenses are weak and we let ourselves get pushed too far as parents. Hope you find your way back on top soon.

Walsh Family said...

I'm not going to give you a pep talk because you feel what you feel and pep certainly won't change it. It is however, nice to hear that someone else similarly feels like a crappy mom sometimes. Everyone does from time to time. Hope you feel better soon. Try not to beat yourself up too much.

Living In a Girl's World said...

(((HUGS))) to you.

suttonhoo said...

*hugs*

sometimes all you can do on the journey is hold on tight until the road smooths out again.

and it will. (you taught me that.)

p.s. that word failure? so not you.

Minivan Mom said...

I'm sorry. ((hug))

You're not alone I feel like a total failure on a regular basis. For every one mommyhood moment where I pat myself on the back and think "that was the perfect response!" there are 5 where I think "SERIOUSLY? You couldn't have shown a little more discipline/tact/understanding/love? SERIOUSLY?"

Even with that track record, I still think, on the grand scale of mommyhood, I do alright. And I think you do a hell of a lot better. I hope you feel brighter soon.

Lolabola* said...

hugs!

Robin Amos Kahn said...

I hear you, Annie.

Look at all the support you have. If I had a nickle for every time I screwed up with Zoe...but we try, right? We really do.

Love you.

anniemcq said...

Thank you all. Your hugs and support and observations are so appreciated. I'm overdue for a physical, so i will be checking on the thyroid issue.