Wednesday, March 26, 2008

To the Alien Inside My Head:

Dear Alien,
I would like to welcome you to your spacious new home: my sinus cavity! Or should I say YOUR sinus cavity! It must have been a perfect fit for you, because the ease and swiftness with which you moved in is astonishing! Clearly, it suits you. Or should I say, not clearly, but, um, greenly? I would like to post a few "rules of the house", if you don't mind. I find that it helps to say these things up front, so that we can all live in harmony.

1. I'm glad you are so comfortable in your new digs, but could you please stop itching my eyes and burning my throat? It's keeping me awake at night, and I need my beauty sleep. I am looking every minute of my age, I don't need you adding any of your puffiness, thank you very much.

2. Your lease states clearly that you are NOT ALLOWED downstairs, so don't even think of moving into my chest.

3. I am rather enjoying my new voice. It's Brenda Vaccarro meets Harvey Fierstien meets Foghorn Leghorn meets Urkle.
Unique. Classy. Just like me!

4. If you could keep from exploding my head while you are in residence it would be greatly appreciated.

5. I am having a bit of difficulty hearing. I know, I know, more than normal? Ha ha ha. You are such a funny alien. Seriously, though. Get out of my ears.

6. If you are from the planet allergy, rather than the planet headcold, as I suspect, would you mind not adding the body aches? Theenx.

7. This is not a month to month lease, so don't unpack yet. You are not going to be staying long, if I have any say in the matter. Which, I am aware, I don't. I will not be taking you with me on spring break this weekend. So any visits to Southern California will need to be done from the confines of someone else's head.

Thank you for your consideration! Enjoy your stay, you miserable alien A#@hole!

Sincerely, Anniemcq


suttonhoo said...

mmm... Harvey Fierstein... sexy. :)

seriously though: heal up, sweetie. and forgive me for recommending something strange and vile, but the neti pot saved me the last time I had one of these, and I'll never be without one again.

(try it. you might like it. after you recover from the indignity of pouring water through one nostril and watching it come out the other side.)

anniemcq said...

I used to use the neti, but it stung too much. I use something called Neil Med, which is basically the same thing, but the solution doesn't sting.

But I still feel like hell.

Thanks for giving me good mom advice. Sometimes Moms need to be mothered, too!

English Garden said...

oooohhhh, Annie, feel better, witty and brilliant as always!!