Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sexy Love

If you don't like to read about married adults doing what married adults do (not nearly often enough in my humble opinion), please feel free to skip this post. You've been forewarned.

Alright, I'll begin here...

I guess it had to happen sometime.

My fabulous in-laws arrived Friday afternoon, to hang out with Joe-Henry and I while Charley is off at a tradeshow for the week. And because I will miss him terribly, I decided to send him off properly, and make sure he was eager to come home. I had fallen asleep earlier with Joe-Henry, reading a book, and sometime after midnight I crawled into our bed. And my husband is a very warm and snuggly person, and his parents were right downstairs, so right there it just feels that much naughtier, and one thing lead to another, and we began to, as Rodius says so eloquently, make the sweet, sweet love.

At some point there was a pause in the action when I heard "MOM!"

We waited a second, then I heard it again, "MAAWWWM!"

So before he wakes the whole house, I put on my pajamas and head into his room, where he was on the bed, on top of the covers, face down, his head buried in his hands. Uh oh.....

"Mom, I heard a noise! It was a heavy breathing noise, and I thought maybe something was wrong with Grandpa, but then I heard Daddy...."

And because I am lightening fast in the middle of the night when my head is swimming with sleep and sex, I said "Oh, sweetie, that was just daddy and I. We were just smooching."

"I know, but I heard this..." And at this point he begins to mimic the sounds he heard us making, and I started laughing hysterically. I tried to get it under control, and eventually I did, but not before I secured his January 4th, 2020 5 p.m. appointment with his shrink. I manage to get out something about grown ups and loving each other in a different grown up way, and ended with, "and sweetheart, I think it's probably best if you don't talk about this to anyone else. Daddy and I will answer any questions you have." With that he snuggled up and went back to sleep. I padded down the hall to my now sleeping husband, and lay there wide awake for about an hour.

The next morning, he hops out of bed and as I walked into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, he's loudly telling grandma and grandpa about the noises, and begins to do his impression for them "and then I heard 'aaaahhhhhhh, aaaaahhhhhh, yeeeeeeeeaaahhh, really quiet but breathing hard, and it was just Mom and Dad SMOOCHING!' I managed to get myself back into the bedroom, where I crawled under my bed with the dust bunnies for a good ten minutes. My poor mother-in-law kept trying to steer the conversation to all the oranges we have, and how sweet they are, and where did we get them, but he wouldn't be deterred until his dad came out and said, "Hey, Joe-Henry, why don't you go show grandpa your Lego Starwars game."

Today when Charley left, Joe-Henry gave me a really hard time for telling Charley how good he smelled. "You never say I smell good mom!" He acted out for a good hour after Charley left, and finally he told me the reason he was being a brat is because I didn't love him as much as I love his Dad. I told him I loved him just as much, just as mightily as I love his dad, but that it was a different kind of love. "Yeah, I know. SEXY love. I want you to love me that way, too".

We talked it out, and I have to say, I think I should get extra points for having that conversation with my in-laws in the next room.

Don't you agree?!


Lady Di said...

OMG, yes, you get super-extra-bonus points for explaining that one with the in-laws around! It makes me ashamed to admit that I was stumbling over the answer to a "where do the babies come out?" question the other day. Also makes me think it may be time to move a certain toy out of the bedside table drawer... ;-)

Lisa L said...

omg AnnieMcQ! I can almost, with 100% certainty, tell you that the conversations won't be stopping here :) Way cool job on the explanation though....I don't think I would have had the presence of mind! And sorry your honey had gone back to sleep when you got back in bed :(

suttonhoo said...

holy cow, girlfriend -- you've got more courage in your pinky finger than I've got in my whole body.

you go girl!

I love reading about your mothering. it's so honest and true.

Debbie said...

Okay I have to say I was already laughing from your crack comment earlier, and now my back, that was hurting from these darn babies, is hurting from the laughing I couldn't stop while reading this post!!!

You are a far braver woman than I. I always thought I would have no problem with the explanations but these days I can't seem to get anything out. And in front (pretty much) of your in laws is worth about 50 gold stars. :)

Franklin5 said...


Okay: deep breaths. Deep breaths.

I can get through this. I CAN. But ohmyLordholdmyhand, the second I realized that you had, ahem, a VISITOR, I just had to stop reading. Because the very idea, it is so awesomely terrifying to me that I cannot quite begin to process it.

I will attempt to read this again in the morning, when I am feeling brave. Because as much as I don't want to know what happened, I NEED to know what happened, so that, should I ever encounter a similar dilemma (AaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHH!!!) I will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how to handle it. That's how much faith I have in you and your mad mothering skillz.

Kari said...

Hell yes! Bravo to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I love love love you.

WHY, oh WHY, don't we live in the same city so that you can come over and tell me this story in person over a cup of coffee so that we can laugh hysterically about it?

And is there something wrong with me that, out of that entire story, the detail I am stuck on is your husband having fallen asleep after you get back from J-H's bedroom? Wasn't he anxiously awaiting the play by play? Difference between the sexes right there...because I just KNOW if it was Charley that had gone to explain those oh-so-scary noises away, you would be sitting cross legged on the bed, finger drumming impatiently, asking "What did he say? What did he hear? How bad is it?" as soon as he returned to the bedroom.

This is freaking priceless. As my mother would say "Write this in the baby book!"

And holy Oedipal complex, batman! I wonder if this is just J-H's personality, or if this is amplified by being an only child? I know 2 other mothers of only male children and they both have told me stories about possessiveness, but other than the passing Freudian developmental stuff around ages 3-4, most of my friends with multiple children (and myself) have not experienced the same intensity.

I just gave someone a PhD dissertation topic.

Love love love this and love you.

anniemcq said...

Okay, I feel the need to clear my husband's good name again! I realized after reading the comments that something that was brought up more than once was that Charley had fallen asleep, and I re-read it and realized that I need to clarify and tell the world: My husband is first and foremost a gentleman, and wholeheartedly embraces the "ladies first" rule, and he knows all too well that I am capable of falling asleep mid-sentence in the middle of the night after "getting my hair done", so he just got comfy until I returned. And the only reason I lay awake after was because I was replaying the whole conversation in my head trying to make sure I didn't just make it worse than it already was!

I LOVE all your comments - somehow, sharing this really personal moment of parenthood with you all has made me feel less embarrassed and for that, I thank you!

Lolabola said...

"the next morning" paragraph had me on the floor. I can just see all those oranges begging for attention.

soo many points for having the in-laws in the next room.

I, Rodius said...

Holy crap, that's funny. I'm not looking forward to anything like that, because Mrs. Rodius would be so mortified, it might just be the end of the sweet, sweet love. For awhile, anyway.

anne said...

Ms. McQ, I cannot really add anything to what has already been said here, except that I also applaud you for the frank discussion with JH, with your in-laws in the next room. It is amazing what moms can do under pressure, especially when they have their kids' best interest at heart!

Kudos to you for handling a sticky situation with grace and decorum!

girlinaboyhouse said...

This is probably the funniest post I have read in a while! That's so awesome. Good for you for being so cool about it!!!

Stutopian said...

Annie that was just as funny the second time. Oh to be a fly on the wall at the McQ's ;)