I'm wondering, does anyone know? Because I grew up in a house raised mostly by my dad (my mom died when I was eight), and even though I had an older sister, and my dad had a girlfriend, I was too embarrassed to ask certain questions. I did finally appeal for some help when I started my period, and BEGGED to shave my legs in jr. high, because I had the hairiest legs in gym class (can I just say right here, right now, that if there is a hell, it's going to look and smell a lot like Lincoln Middle School in Clarkston, WA, circa 1974). I was tortured in Jr. High, and my dad's girlfriend had a daughter with long, perfectly straight blonde hair and big blue eyes, and because she seemed to know SO much about romance and all things girly (she married her jr. high sweetie right out of highschool, and yes they are still married), I worked VERY HARD to not care about that stuff. I was proud of being smart and funny, and even though I don't really remember what I was interested in then, I know it wasn't how to make the most of my "feminine wiles".
So, here I am at 45 years old, wondering, should I wax my arms and get rid of the few straggly dark hairs that are there, and more fully expose the ages spots that seem to be blooming there instead? Should I wax my eyebrows, even though they are mostly nonexistent? Or should I focus on the rest of my face, which seems to be getting a bit fuzzier by the year? There's no way I'm getting a bikini wax. I can hardly bring myself to get a mani/pedi because I start to worry about the person doing my nails. "Are they getting cancer from breathing this all day? Do they hate me because I'm paying them to paint my nails? Do they think I'm gross because I have that foot fungus, even though it's mostly healed? Is that what they're saying in Korean to the other manicurist - that I'm a disgusting American with a foot fungus?"
And what should I wear to my niece's wedding? I have a pretty sleeveless dress with pale flowers that's kind of elegant, but I'd have to get shoes to go with it, or should I wear the darling brown and white polka-dot three quarter sleeve Kim Hunter in Picnic dress? If I wear that, I want to get some kind of color mixed in with my accessories, so I'm thinking coral or orange or green shoes and wrap, but is that horrible? And what kind of shoes do you wear to a garden wedding? If you wear sandals or peep-toe heels, do you wear pantyhose? Because, NOT wearing pantyhose is pretty much out of the question. As much as I love my body, I still know my limits. See, this is what comes from thinking that Glamour and InStyle are just tools used by "the Man" to keep us in our place, distracted by shiny baubles and smelly perfume samples. A Garden Wedding sends me into a frenzy of self doubt.
I've spent the better part of my life in jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt, and I rarely wear heels and a dress, even though I love how I feel in them. Does this stuff come naturally to all of you? Because it doesn't come naturally to me. So help a girl out here, send me your best girly girl tips. I promise, I'll still be my same sarcastic self. I'll still vote Democrat. I'll still think "The Secret" is a load of whooey. I just wanna know, before I'm so old that it doesn't even matter any more, how to be a lady.